


after kissing

by piehunter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Depression, Fluff, Homophobia, Lowercase, M/M, Mild Language, Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 21:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14986214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piehunter/pseuds/piehunter
Summary: “okay, that's fine. i love you, did you know that?”cas smiled, “you told me that. i love you, too, dean.”“yeah, but it sounds much better after kissing.”castiel’s chest was almost bursting with the love that he felt for this man.“i guess it does,” he kissed him once again, then pulled away gently, “i love you.”





	after kissing

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this on wattpad as well ! my name on there is elizabeththetoad, so don't delete me, archive xxx

even with only just turning human, self-hatred wasn't a new emotion with castiel.  
sure, it was usually in the back of his winchester-clogged mind, hanging over his every move, watching silently.  
but after turning human, it grew to monstrous proportions. no matter what he did, he felt as though dean would always think of him as worthless.  
and he began to believe it. every time he thought of dean, even as friends, he knew that he would never be good enough. and he was fine with that.  
what? he was fine.

he grabbed a piece of toast that was glazed with honey, and he sat down at the table across from dean.  
“'morning, cas,” he grumbled in his usual, gravelly morning voice, and cas felt his lips tighten into somewhat of a smile.  
“hello, dean.”  
“have you found any cases yet?” the man didn't look up from his eggs.  
“yes,” cas said, “i believe i have.”  
he stood from the table and walked to the counter, sweeping the newspaper off the marble and tossing it onto the table.  
“her name was lindsay strait. according to the media, she was home alone one night when she was mauled to death.”  
dean paused, looking up from his breakfast. when those spring green eyes met his, castiel went pink.  
“did she have a dog?” he asked after a moment of swallowing.  
“no… she had a small cat named olive.”  
“what are you thinking?” he took another bite of his breakfast, eyes never leaving the ex-angel’s.  
“uhm-uh well,” cas stuttered, “i was thinking that it might be a hellhound.”  
“why's that?”  
“well, one, she was mauled. that's not normal,” he pointed out, and dean cracked an almost smile, “two, she was alone, and there was no evidence of anyone coming in anywhere. three, they found dog hair in a nail on the floor.”  
“and? aren't hellhounds invisible? maybe her boyfriend had a dog.”  
cas paused. “she and her girlfriend were both allergic to dogs.”  
dean choked. “g-girlfriend?”  
“women exclusive couples do exist, dean,” cas smiled slightly into his toast, which he nibbled at.  
“i-i know that!” dean spluttered, coughing up his eggs.  
“then what is it?”  
he went red. “i was just surprised, cas,”  
castiel narrowed his eyes, which seemed to irritate dean.  
“would you quit?” he snapped, “i was expecting her to be straight! like normal.”  
cas immediately put down his toast at the last sentence.  
“cas, wait-”  
“goodbye, dean.”  
he fled angrily, already wiping at his eyes.  
dean probably thought he was angry because he didn't like homophobes.  
this was true, however, cas figured out practically the moment he met dean that he was gay.  
that last comment struck a nerve in castiel.  
he slammed the door to his room and flung himself onto the bed.  
he didn't cry much, maybe a tear or two, but he mostly just laid on the bed, numb.  
now, not only was he useless to dean, but he was abnormal, apart from the fact that he was an angel.  
well.  
used to be.  
he stared at the wall, curled in on himself, as the hours ticked by.  
he finally heard a knock at the door, and he called, “go away.”  
“cas, it's me,” dean's voice came through the door, and he felt another tear fall.  
“what do you want?”  
“i wanted to apologise.”  
“for what?”  
dean sounded almost taken aback.  
“i-i-for my comment earlier.”  
“why?”  
“it was uncalled for, and i didn't mean to upset you.”  
“i'm only upset because i'm gay, dean,” castiel admitted bluntly, still curled in on his side.  
“what?! cas, open the door.”  
“what? so you can call me not normal?”  
“open the door.”  
cas paused.  
“it's open.”  
the door creaked open, and dean stepped inside.  
“cas, look-”  
“i told you i'm gay. there's no apology needed.”  
“dammit, cas! let me finish!”  
castiel went silent.  
“i didn't mean the not normal comment, and i'm sorry.”  
“i know you didn't mean it, dean.”  
“then why--”  
the ex-angel stared at him for a long moment.  
“because i will never be good enough for you.”  
“what?”  
“even as a friend. i'm always getting you two hurt and ruining everything. i'm not good at hunting. i'm not useful anymore.”  
“cas, it was never about that.”  
“but wasn't it? without my powers… i'm just a baby in a trenchcoat.”  
all cas got was an incredulous stare.  
after a moment, dean mumbled, “fuck this.”  
“look cas, i'm bi. if you think you're not good enough because you're gay, i guess we're both not good enough for me.”  
he was confused.  
“what does that mean?”  
“bi means i like girls and dudes.”  
“no, i meant 'not good enough for you’.”  
“oh. i guess i'm saying that it doesn't matter if you like the burrito or the enchilada,” cas looked disgusted by the euphemism, “all that matters is that you're here, buddy.”  
cas’ face fell at the name, and he was glad he was still facing the wall.  
“i don't like these feelings.”  
“which ones?”  
“every time someone walks into a room, my heart pounds… every time they say something nice to me, i feel warm inside. their smile, their laugh, their existence… it all makes me so warm.”  
“cas, look at me.”  
when cas turned to face dean, the green-eyed hunter was frowning.  
“what?”  
“i know exactly what you mean.”  
“what?” castiel repeated.  
“you're in love.”

“so you're in love with sam?”  
cas spat out his coffee.  
“absolutely not.”  
“then… who?”  
“dean...”  
“what?”  
“i love you.”  
“w-what?!”  
“i thought you knew.”  
“of course i fucking didn't!”  
dean was standing now, and the angel felt tears well in his eyes.  
“well?”  
“well what?” dean snapped.  
“you know what! what now?”  
“you can't be in love with me,” he growled, running a hand through his hair, “you're lying.”  
“i used to be an angel, dean. i don't lie.”  
“i don't know that,” he replied stubbornly, and cas stood from his chair.  
“hell no, get away from me.”  
“dean, what--”  
but he was gone.

“cas, come on,” sam coaxed through the door, but the ex-angel just stared at the netflix logo on his laptop blankly.  
“you can't live like this forever,” the taller hunter knocked once more, and cas finally replied, “who says that i can't?”  
“me. come out, or i'm gonna kick the door down.”  
“what about you come in?” his voice was dead and monotone.  
he had locked himself in his room since he had been rejected cruelly by dean, only getting out of bed to accept sam's daily snacks, and to use the restroom.  
sam opened the door quietly, and his face fell.  
“oh, cas,” his voice was soft, like the ex-angel was fragile and ready to break at any second.  
“i can't believe that sonuvabitch did this to you…”  
“he didn't do anything. i did this to myself.”  
castiel couldn't even bear to speak his name, much less speak of him in such a negative light.  
he was rejected, and he was hiding out in his room so that he wouldn't have to speak to him.  
he was pathetic.  
“it's not all your fault. what he did was awful,” sam soothed, sitting on the corner of the bed.  
“no it wasn't.” castiel's voice was so monotonous that sam was worried.  
“what is wrong with you?”  
“he ran from me. i told him that i loved him, and he ran. everything i love either leaves or falls apart. you're the only thing that hasn't, and i had to put you back together with masking tape after i broke you. i break everything i touch.”  
“cas, i forgave you for that a long time ago,” sam snapped, “look, dean feels so bad for what he did to you, but he can't even grow the balls to come in here and say so.”  
“it's not his fault. i'm a failure.”  
“goddammit, cas! you're not a failure!”  
cas, you used to be a freaking angel! you kicked ass and took names! you were a mighty warrior of heaven! you weren't this way just because you were an angel. you can still be that way,” sam said, “please, come out to the kitchen. i'll make you something to eat.”  
the ex-angel started crying. this man who cared about him enough to forgive him for all of the wrongs he's done him, this man was offering him nourishment, offering him acceptance.  
“thank you, sam, i'll get up. just…”  
“of course!” sam quickly got up, a smile beginning to blossom on his face as he left the room.  
cas finally stood, gathering fresh clothes, and headed for the shower.  
he stood under the bone-melting spray for a long time, his skull pounding. he tried to ignore the tears that fell for the eldest winchester, then for the younger.  
“thank you, so much,” he whispered.  
he got out, already feeling a little better.  
he dressed and turned on his phone, which vibrated almost constantly with notifications.  
33 missed calls from dean. 12 texts from dean. 2 missed calls from sam.  
his heart clenched.  
he listened to dean's first voicemail.  
“hey, man. i'm so sorry.”  
the next.  
“look, i didn't mean it, alright?”  
the next.  
“don't hate me?”  
the next.  
“i miss you, man.”  
and the other 28.  
cas was in tears by the time he reached the final one.  
“i love you.”  
the brunet gasped, dropping the phone in shock.  
“no-no-no-no you don't! please,” he whimpered, running a shaking hand through his wet hair.  
he stood, his body laced with a tremor, as he left the bedroom, the wood blistering cold under his bare feet.  
he walked into the kitchen, only to see dean looking at the table, his expression grave.  
“hey, cas,” sam whispered, smiling a crooked little grin that made cas smile just the slightest.  
“hello.”  
“i'm making spaghetti. do you wanna help?”  
“s--”  
“actually,” dean finally spoke, making the ex-angel’s blood run cold, “i need to talk to cas.”  
“i-i,” his eyes were pleading when he looked at sam.  
“uh… okay, i guess,” sam shrugged.  
dean left, and cas followed after him like a lost puppy.  
“cas,” dean said once they moved into the hunter’s bedroom, his voice soft.  
“d-dean?”  
“i need to apologise. i'm so fucking sorry for what i did to you,” he turned to cas, green eyes glossy with unshed tears, “i don't know what i was thinking… i hate myself for thinking that it'd be a good idea to do something like that.”  
“it's alright, dean.”  
“no it's fucking not! alright?! i love you, so, so, so goddamned much, and i probably made you hate me.”  
even if he had heard it only a few minutes prior, hearing it directly from dean’s lips made it 100 times more real.  
“i could never hate you, dean.”  
“why not? i'm such a terrible person, but you just stick by my side. why? why do i deserve you?”  
“maybe you don't. but i don't care,” he (finally) kissed dean, and the hunter melted right into it.  
it started out soft and sweet, but it soon morphed into cas straddling dean, his fingers digging into dirty blonde hair.  
“why did we wait?” the hunter growled, his voice gravelly and wrecked, “i've wanted to pull that trenchcoat off since the first time i saw you.”  
“dean,” the ex-angel panted, “i’ve never…”  
“do you want to, angel?” they stopped kissing so that dean could rest his forehead against the smaller man’s.  
“mhm,” he hummed, “someday. i don't think i could right now.”  
dean nodded, a smile lighting up his face.  
“okay, that's fine. i love you, did you know that?”  
cas smiled, “you told me that. i love you, too, dean.”  
“yeah, but it sounds much better after kissing.”  
castiel’s chest was almost bursting with the love that he felt for this man.  
“i guess it does,” he kissed him once again, then pulled away gently, “i love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> whaddya think ? yell at me in the comments, please !!!


End file.
